All about the apocalypse (and what to do afterwards)

Surely you have heard of the dreaded Apocalypse by now (and if you haven't, you best stay underneath the rock. It's your best chance for surviving heat death). According to the internet, which is of course the most reliable source of information (and retardedness), the apocalypse will occur in 2012. I think this is bullshit, but on the off chance it's not, I would like to share my contingency plan. I'd rather admit I'm wrong and go hunt zombies than stubbornly defend my stance that the world won't end in 2012 and get skullfucked by mutant dogpeople.
Firstly, I keep a AK-47 locked in a glass box that in the hallway. An AK because that's the only weapon that can truly survive hell on Earth. Also, it looks cool, and I got it for really fucking cheap. I advise that you also store it in a glass box, because glass can be easily broken and it will impress people if they see you do it. I also have a list of emergency contacts that I keep on my person at all times. Do NOT list their phone numbers, because clearly their phones would have been left at home, carelessly melted and fused to their faces. Also, no satellite or phone line could survive God's wrath (everyone knows God hates telephones).
Also, have a contact who can get you a dog (if you don't have one already). Dogs are loyal, vicious, and keep you from going batshit crazy out on the post-apocalyptic plains. Also get a tailor to sew you a little backpack for it, because it will look so cute on your rabid Doberman let the dog carry it's own food, leaving more room for your ammunition and rations.
Next on the list is transportation. Try and walk as much as you can, because fuel and/or food will be difficult to come by. If you have a hybrid or electric vehicle, use it, but also make sure you have a means of charging it. A walrus home-made lightning rod will be your best friend if you need to travel. For those of you who are already experienced in the outdoors, a horse is a feasible means of transport if you can keep it fed and watered.
Last, but not least, make sure you can set up camp every night. Try to choose a secluded spot and use any materials you can find to build a fire. It will keep the mutants away and attract those who are still sane. Be warned that 'sane' does not equal 'friendly', but you may get lucky and be able to find a travelling partner. Not only does that mean you can stop pretending to have conversations with the dog, but if there are two of you, your chances of survival double. Do not be afraid to shoot your ally in the foot if you need a distraction to escape the mutants. He won't care for long.